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1/6/92 — Our NICU Journey Day 51

January 6, 2011

Isaac — 711 grams (very sick)

Molly — 750 grams


These days were very hard. Isaac was so sick and it came on so suddenly. Even though we had been warned that they were at high risk, we had already spent more than 50 days on the ISCU with them. Things seemed to have settled into a kind of routine. They were working their way to becoming "feeders and growers". And then, everything changed. Within just a few hours, Isaac's little body blew up like a water balloon, full of fluids brought on by an as-yet unidentified infection. We were devastated and terrified.


My dearest Isaac, my sweet boy. What you have been through in the last 22 hours. I was here yesterday at 11ish in the morning and you were doing fine. Within two hours you were back on the vent, struggling with an infection that has taken control of your whole little body. Your rates are sky high, you are on 100 percent oxygen, and they are still having trouble getting you to saturate well.  Daddy and I spent the night to be near you. You’re back on an Ohio bed so they can attend to you and keep you comfortable. You are on antibiotics, two blood pressure medicines, bicarb, Pavulon (to keep you completely paralyzed so you don’t work hard or fight against the ventilator) and a sedative and painkiller to keep you comfortable (basically in La-La land). So many tubes and lines sticking out of your beautiful little body. I love you so much, Isaac. I hope you can sense that somehow. Your little face, so much like your handsome Daddy’s, brings me such pain and joy at the same time. I’d do anything to help you through this. Anything. But this is something you have to do  yourself. Be strong, son. Life is worth it. There are such wondrous and joyous things I want to show you — to share with you. You’re a part of me, an important part of our family. I need you, you see. There’s a place — Isaac’s place — that no one else can fill except Isaac. I won’t leave you. I won’t let you down. I’m here for you, big guy. Let me help you. I promise life is better than what you have known so far. Just be your feisty self and keep fighting. Let the doctors and nurses help you fight. Stick your tongue out at the world and prove the odds wrong. I love you. I love you.


You did it, my girl!  You reached your birth weight. I’m so proud of you. You look more beautiful every day. We were here when they weighed you and I wish I could say we came just for this momentous event, but we didn’t. We spent the night here in the parents’ room because your twin brother, Isaac, is very sick. So I’m feeling a little guilty right now. We have been here for you, but our energies have been focused on Ike. It’s funny. I never think of you as “the twins”. I think of you as Isaac and Molly (or Mike and Ollie, as Papa says sometimes). You have always been individuals, so different and yet together in my heart. You two are the most important things in the world to me and I would do anything, anything at all, to make this time easier for you, to help you through it. My love for you is boundless and it gets stronger and deeper every day. You are a part of me and you always will be. So keep quietly gaining and getting stronger every day. I see you there on the sidelines today. I’m watching you, hoping for you, praying for you. You’re my girl, more dear to me that I can put into words.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 6, 2011 12:43 am

    I thought I had reached a place where I read these posts and could look at it all objectively. I have always loved the writing and the story but tonight Icried, even though I know the outcome. My mothers heart broke for you in that moment when it all seemed so terribly wrong. I can only imagine how you felt. So happy to see how beautiful both children are now.

    • January 6, 2011 5:26 pm

      I still can’t read or think about that day without breaking into sobs, even though he is standing right here in front of me — taller than me now.

  2. Kenn permalink
    January 6, 2011 9:48 am

    I did too.

  3. January 6, 2011 6:06 pm

    I posted on SheWrites too, but I just wanted to say how amazed I am by your little miracles and by your own bravery through all of this. Your experience makes me grateful for every little ache and pain and even for the 25 pounds of water weight that came with carrying twins 37 weeks.

    • January 6, 2011 6:12 pm

      Thanks, Lori. Gratitude for the little things — one of the many lessons my preemies have taught me.

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